Ann vs. Fear: The Fight for Authentic Living

In her book, The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron discusses Shadow Artists. These are people who have a deep-seated desire to be an artist—a painter, poet, actress, singer, etc.—but who are so blocked by fear or firmly planted negative messages that they never bring that desire up and out. They prefer instead to bask in the company of Authentic Artists—people who are fully engaged in making art.

For a long time I was a shadow artist living a shadow life. Afraid to fully engage in my art even though God had sent me a strong message to step out on faith and do so. Oh, I talked myself into thinking that I could do both—work full-time jobs that I hated and write in the evenings/weekends. But that’s all it was
—foolish talk and foolish thinking.

Then one day I had no choice. Well, let me restate that. We always have a choice. My choices were to continue living as a shadow artist with a shadow life or live authentically as an authentic artist. For me, I had reached such an unhealthy level of unhappiness and dissatisfaction that there really was no choice. I resigned from shadow living and swore I would never go back to the shadows.

So far that has been the case but I tell you…it hasn’t been easy because of fear. Fear is a powerful emotion, as powerful as love. Fear is what kept me operating as a shadow artist for so long. I was afraid of having no money. I was afraid my quality of life would degrade. I was afraid my talents weren’t good enough to sustain me. But to live an authentic life, I knew I was going to have to step into the ring and fight fear. So I did. It was September 2010. Here’s the blow-by-blow…

I had finished a freelance assignment in August (2010) but the jerk client refused to pay me (that’s another story). I had maybe $10 in my checking account and another $25 in my savings. My mortgage and car payments were several months behind, all of the utilities were due, and I had received more rejections for my novel. Thus burdened, what did I do? I went to bed. I just couldn’t face fear or the future so I went to sleep, hoping to never wake up. Just before drifting off, I had enough sense to ask God for help.

Before I woke fully the next morning, a thought pounded in my head: Go to your safe. Dig out your savings bonds and cash them in. I had forgotten all about the savings bonds I had purchased over the years! Needless to say, I broke all speed limits driving to the bank, and after cashing in the bonds I had enough to keep the utilities going, purchase gas and groceries, and have cash on hand until my unemployment checks kicked in.

When I returned home, I received a prompting from Spirit to call the finance company that held the note on my car. With butterflies in my stomach, I dialed them up and they were so nice, granting me a two-month deferment. A month later when I should have been evicted from my home, I received a letter from my mortgage company and HUD (Housing and Urban Development) stating the Obama administration had called a halt to all foreclosures, and oh by the way, there’s a program you qualify for where HUD will pay the bulk of your mortgage for two years.

But that’s not all…sixteen months later, I sold the novel I had been trying to sell since 2000.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! The winner is: Ann.

I won that particular fight against fear, but the battle is never over. Every day I face fear and every day I rely on prayer, journaling and the prompting of Spirit to stare it down and come out swinging. This I do so that I may continue to live an authentic life as an authentic artist.

I ask you … Are you bound in shadow living? If so, what deep-seated fear(s) has beaten you? Are you ready to face that fear and live authentically?

6 thoughts on “Ann vs. Fear: The Fight for Authentic Living

  1. Wow, this was just puff of wind in my sails that I needed! I’ve been dealing so many money issues lately, that I was beginning to feel like I was getting a thumbs down from God on this path I have taken to live abroad. I got to the point yesterday where I was so overwhelmed with doubt and worry that I just couldn’t worry anymore and just thought – I can’t think about it anymore, God will show me what to do and where to go and I’ll go and that’s it, even if it means returning back to the U.S. to stay. Then 3 positive emails were in my box this morning, one of which was yours. Thank you for this post. I appreciate it more than you know.

    • Hi Lovenia, these are tough times, filled with doubt and worry. I slay those dragons (fear, doubt) every day and some days are easier than others but if not now, when? If we don’t pursue passion and an authentic life now, we will just keep pushing it back to the end of the line. So I say to you (and myself) to keep on pressing forward–onward and upward, knowing God is with us the entire way. We are bigger than our circumstances! I love you and I am praying with you.

    • You’re so welcome. This artist thing is not easy; any time we can lighten one another’s load, that’s a good thing. Best wishes, and know that I’m rooting for you!

  2. Excellent post, it has given me a nudge too. I live in constant fear of writing due to criticism in the past but have been toying with the idea of doing a writing course. Thanks for the heads up.

    • I highly encourage you to check out Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way. It was the catalyst that got me going. At this point, I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing (smile!) but too late now…I’m rolling with it. Come roll with me, I promise it’ll sting but it won’t kill you. Much luck with your writing course and writing career.

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